Being Paranoid...

Lately things have been really getting to me, so I need a big fat rant to let it all out. Don't even know where to begin, so I apologise if this post has no real structure. I also apologise as this post isn't probably going to interest anyone, it's just literally me getting things off my chest. So here goes...

The past couple of weeks my fatigue has been so bad that it's actually been making me angry because of how much I feel it's been holding me back. But some good news I have had my hours changed in work and no longer work Sundays, thank goodness! I have worked nearly every Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday for the past year so it's such a relief getting my Sunday lie ins back and I have already started to feel a difference in my tiredness levels. Which is really good and suppose the only positive thing.

The main thing that has been getting my back up is how paranoid I feel I get about friends and trying to keep them all happy. I know I over think things but I have always done that. Girls are notoriously bitchy and I don't think I've ever met a girl who hasn't bitched about another girl or their own friends for that matter. So I constantly want to please everyone as the thought of people bitching about me due to me not being able to do what they wanted literally makes my stomach go into knots. This normally leads me to pushing myself far too much than I should be as the simplest tasks can be so hard for me. This is why I try and spend as much time as I can with my boyfriend, he really gets me and would never get annoyed with me for not doing something because I don't feel well enough to.

For example, my friends could be planning a girlie night in or just a night in the local pub which in theory isn't much effort. You just get ready and go to their house or the pub and sit and chat but for me this isn't the case. If I am having a bad day then just getting out of bed and getting out of pyjamas can be a very hard struggle. I never really have the energy to do my hair or my make up never mind go out the house. So when I say no to coming it's not because I'm 'sacking' you off to go see my boyfriend or that I've got other plans or that I don't want to go. Its because I genuinely don't feel well enough to go. I know girls don't like it when their friends go to their boyfriends rather than seeing them but for me it's not like that. I would class going to my boyfriends as just staying in I don't see it as doing 'something' or going out. He is literally my rock and sometimes I have to see him just to be able to smile once for that day. I see him pretty much every single day, I don't have to put nice clothes on, do my make up or hair to see him. So friends if you are reading this, if I say I can't come or do something and you see me driving to my boyfriends or he's at my house please do not think I'm sacking you off for him. This is probably one of the main issues I worry about because I would hate the thought of people thinking that of me when it's purely because I don't feel well and I don't need to make any effort with him and that's why I love him.

Another issue is if I can do something one day it doesn't mean I can do it another day. For example, if I go out one night in the week with one group of friends that will tire me out for days. So please don't get annoyed with me if I say I can't go out or do something with other friends a few days later. Its not favouritism, it's because I genuinely can't. 

I really hope if any of my friends read this they think Sarah you idiot, what are you even talking about? Nobody thinks that you Paranoid Idiot! Or I hope it helps change their perspectives on things in the past that have happened or think oh I knew that was why anyway! I have the best friends ever and I do try my hardest to keep every single one of them happy as much as I can! But I am a big paranoid mess!

Lately I have been struggling to say the word 'No!'. This is where me trying to keep everyone happy comes into play again. The last couple of weeks I have been none stop busy trying to please everyone. Work has been very hard and busy lately, I have made in total over the last two week 500 bows and still going, I made and decorated a baby shower cake plus 48 cupcakes, I now have college which means making time to practice and to do my assignments as well as trying to fit time in to see friends so they don't think I've forgotten about them or not making an effort. This means I have had NO time what so ever to rest or have any me time (which I love!!). Just chilling and being on my own really lets me relax and rest as I don't have to make the effort to even talk to anyone. So I've been trying to fit this in before bed at night which means I haven't been going to bed until at least 12pm every night which results in me being even more tired. 

It's just one big circle! 

And if you didn't know Stress and lack of sleep makes Fibromyalgia symptoms so much worse and then we start the circle again!! :'(

If you have read this big fat rant and feel like you've wasted five minutes of your life, I apologise but I needed to do this to take away some of my stress! I also hope other Fibromyalgia sufferers can relate to this because it is something that is always at the back of my mind.

P.S. This post wasn't to have a go at anyone it was to say why I'm such a rubbish friend sometimes because I always think who'd want to be friend's with someone ill like me.

New Year... New Outlook

I have been awful at blogging, I just get that caught up in things I don't get chance to come and write how I'm feeling. 

From the title this post is going to be on my outlook on what 2012 is going to be like for me with Fibromyalgia and for the first time a rather positive post!

Christmas is always a tough time for me as the Christmas presents shopping is just a nightmare for me as I can't walk round the shops for hours to try and find the perfect presents. This year online shopping was my life saver, I did it all online and in advance which relieved a lot of the stress of Christmas.

However, the Christmas nights out and just the general doing more with friends and family was very hard for me. I have been struggling a lot the past few weeks with having no energy to do anything. Luckily I was able to have some time off work due to the bank holidays to be able to recover, but it will always put a downer on the festive period for me as I have to constantly battle with my Fibromyalgia to enjoy the things everyone else can do without the worry of it tiring them out too much or how much pain it will cause the next day.

Over the festive period I also had other problems such as suffering from a bad case of flu and had a very bad bladder infection that lasted a few weeks. But these are common in FM sufferers so I am used to having the urge to pee! (just trying to be completely honest!).

I have also been suffering very bad mood swings, which literally would flip at any point. I noticed they were also a lot more severe than usual. When packing for new years eve away I was hitting the door and shouting at my mum just because she asked me if I was fake tanning before I leave or when I get there? Crazy I know!

How my 2012 has started...

I celebrated entering the new year in Leeds with the other half, my brother and some very good friends which was nice to get away from home. But yet again all that was in the back of my mind was 'OUCH!'. I drove up which was a two hour drive so that straight away left me very achy and tired which for me is never a good start, but taking pain killers before going out is the norm for me. The walking, queuing, dancing and just partying was definitely all too much for me the next day as I was ridiculously tired and in agony but me being me, I hid it. I didn't complain or moan I just got on with it even though every step I took my legs would throb and feel like they were going to give up on me, I had to fight to keep my eyes open as I had no energy left in me. Everyone was complaining of hangovers but a Subway soon cured that for them where as I knew I'd be feeling these effects for days.

Over the past couple of months I have had a lot of reality checks when it comes to my future. I have always believed that I would train to be an accountant and that is the career I would do. Due to my Fibromyalgia I was unable to work full time as I was in too much pain and physically didn't have the energy. Also working in a stressful office dealing with customers has shown me this is not the environment I want to work in as stress increases the severity of my pain. 

After long hard chats with my parents we decided a change of career choice would be best for me which is a very scary prospect as I have been so sure I'd be an accountant. Something that doesn't involve too much of a physical aspect and can be done part time without the stress of working in an office. I have always had a passion for nails and experimenting with nail polish's and nail art. I do get a lot of comments on my nails, where did you get them done? what nail polish is that? etc. So I have enrolled on a nail technicians course and this is the career I am now going to have a go at. I feel at the moment nothing is certain for me as I don't know what's around the corner when living with such a unreliable chronic illness.

So please if anyone is a nail technician with Fibromyalgia or a similar condition any tips or advice would be very much appreciated!!

My new years resolution is to try to think more positive. With a chronic pain disorder its hard to think positive as everything takes much more effort than it would for a healthy person, so it is easy to slip back and think negative and expect bad things but for 2012 I am going to try to stop that.

I am thinking I have a new start with a new career ahead and hopefully this will reflect on my mood and my outlook on things which will help prevent my symptoms getting worse.

So best start now...

BRING ON 2012!!

Feeling Down

I am currently having an awful time physically and emotionally. I don't think I've ever felt so low in my entire life. So I'm hoping by writing about it, it will be like I'm accepting it so I can try and move forward.

I am currently experiencing the most pain I have ever felt from my Fibromyalgia since I've had the illness and it is so crippling and draining. I feel like I just want to curl up in bed and not move because the pain from doing the most simple tasks is frustrating me so much. I can't wash my hair, take a shower, make my breakfast, go up/down the stairs or drive my car without feeling severe aches and pains. As you can't see that I'm in pain because I don't have swelling or bruising, it's hard for people to understand how much pain I am in and it's so frustrating. As well as the pain I feel like I am absolutely drained and I don't have any energy at all. Even the thought of picking up a glass to drink out of is too much effort. I have even had to sit here for 20 minutes forcing myself to go on the computer to type this.

The thought of going to work is actually making me panic because I am really not coping. The thought of having to walk down the car park, walk up the flights of stairs, sit in my seat without moving for hours straight, having to constantly be happy and bubbly talking to customers when inside I just want to burst into tears and scream, the pressure of targets and selling and the constant abuse from the team leaders because your not doing as well as others makes me feel psychically sick. I have been suffering from panic attacks, depression, anxiety and mood swings just from the pressure of having to work in a job I hate as well as having to push myself psychically just do a four hour shift that sounds so easy to other people. 

Even the people closest to me are guilty of not understanding and underestimating how bad my condition seems to be getting. I have no energy to do anything! I have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning and wash my face and brush my teeth. I have no motivation at all the put make up on, do my hair and put on nice clothes. As the effort of doing all that tires me out so much. I am currently spending every single day looking for a new job which just seems to make me worse as the only jobs that seem to be available is jobs I can't do due to my Fibromyalgia, which doesn't help with the depression side of things. Although I'm surrounded by amazing friends and family I have never felt so lonely. Nobody knows how to cheer me up or say the right thing. I am probably a nightmare to cope with at the moment. 

All my friends are doing amazing things with their lives and the sky is literally the limit for some of them where as I feel like I have taken a million steps back and I'm watching them all start these amazing lives. I can't go to university, I can't work full time, I can't go travelling and I can't move out. Some friends are starting their education, others have finished and are working fully qualified and where am I? Stuck in a call centre doing a job I hate 16 hours a week earning hardly any money and spending the rest of my time in bed. If I do manage to do things with my friends it will leave me in bed for days recovering. All I think is what sort of a life is this? I envy every single one of my friends because I can't be a teacher or a nurse or a lifeguard or a university student or an engineer or an account executive or a police officer as the hours they have to work and the physical aspects of their jobs I just can't do. 

The one word to sum up how I feel right now is useless.

Staying Sober

A massive symptom of my Fibromyalgia is an intolerance to alcohol. Yes you heard it correct, I can not drink any amount of alcohol or I have a reaction very similar to food poisoning. As you can imagine at the age of 19 this is very annoying as in the UK the legal drinking age is 18 so all my friends are having a drink when were in the pub, out for a meal, on a night out or having just a girlie night in. 

I have never met or heard of anyone with FM having this symptom before, but my doctor has assured me it is from a chemical intolerance associated with FM and I have read bits on the internet that is can be common for FM sufferers to have this symptom. 

So please if any of you have this symptom let me know?!

But not all symptoms of Fibromyalgia are a negative because as annoying and frustrating it is not being able to drink alcohol and join in with everyone I wouldn't change it for the world.

My car is definitely the 'party bus' as I always do lifts as I'm always sober. I love being able to take my friends out on a night out save getting taxi's and I can just come home whenever I want. As I am so good at putting on a brave face and a shield as I like to call it, I am definitely not the type to need alcohol when I'm out. Most people don't even know I have an intolerance to alcohol and are very shocked to find out as they think I am drunk.

However, even though there is huge positives for me not drinking alcohol it's not always something I'm happy about. In the culture of Britain now it is seen as being extremely 'weird' and 'boring' to not drink alcohol and I find the easiest way of explaining to people who don't know I have FM is by telling them 'I am allergic to alcohol' even though that's not true. I do feel like I am missing out sometimes as I find it hard to socialise sometimes especially when my other symptoms are getting me down. I can't have a glass of rose wine with a meal when I am in a restaurant, I can't have a celebratory glass of champagne at Weddings, Birthdays and New Year and I can't have a cocktail on holiday lying in the sun. I do have to put my shield up sometimes and pretend that it doesn't bother me. Even though in the back of my mind I am yet again thinking of how my Fibromyalgia is holding me back from what everyone else my age is doing.

If I had a choice I would not go back to drinking alcohol even if I didn't have a reaction! Also a tip for anyone who do has this symptom, bar staff are normally very sympathetic and I have had 'mocktails' (non-alcoholic cocktails) made for me and free cokes given to me on nights out!

The idea behind this post is that I will always try and find the positive in something so negative.

There will always be a silver lining, it may just take a lot of searching through the cloud.

However I am still trying to find the positives in any of my other FM symptoms!

An Introduction To Me...

My name is Sarah Cartwright and I am a 19 year old girl from North Wales and I have Fibromyalgia.

I was diagnosed with FM around two years ago but I have had my symptoms since I was 13 so I have had FM for about six or seven years now. 

(wow, I didn't realise it was that long!)

The best way I have heard to describe the problems I face with my condition is that I have the mindset of a normal 19 year old girl but my body just won't do what I want it to. This is the most frustrating part. I want to go out partying until the early hours, I want to go shopping all day and blow my wages, I want to be able to work full time and I just want a normal life but my body has other ideas.

First I'll try and explain the severity of my symptoms as Fibromyalgia (FM) can affect people in very different ways from being able to lead a normal life with hardly any problems to being completely crippled with it and having to spend most of their time in bed or in a wheel chair. For me I'm probably smack bang in the middle.

I suffer with chronic severe pain all over my body in my muscles and joints, which never goes away or eases off. So you can try and understand how bad it is I'll list all the places it affects me:

Toes, Heels, Ankles, Shins, Calves, Knees, Thighs, Groins, Hips, Lower Back, Down my Spine, Upper Back, Stomach, Ribs, Chest, Shoulders, Upper Arms, Elbows, Lower Arms, Wrists, Knuckles, Fingers, Neck and Jaw. 

So pretty much every part of my body. I have the most pain in my elbows, back and thighs and knees which as you can imagine makes walking and standing very difficult. Any sort of psychical activity will leave me in agony the next day, and yes this includes dancing the night away unfortunately. My symptoms only show half of their severity at the time of activity as they don't come out properly until the next day. This is why a lot of people don't understand how much pain I am in because I can have a dance on a night out, but they don't see me in bed unable to get up the next day. For any normal 19 year old girl shopping is heaven, for me it is a nightmare. The walking, trying to look through clothes, carrying bags and trying on clothes just sounds like a day in bed waiting to happen. So for me I avoid it at all costs and internet shopping has become my life saver. As you can imagine this gets me very down and I do suffer from extreme mood swings, depression and anxiety from not being able to do all the things everyone else my age is doing. This also includes working full time. I tried it and gave it my best but I just physically could not do it and it actually breaks my heart as I am definitely not the type to sit back at home and have the government pay for me. So I do work part time (as hard as that is sometimes too) and from home when I have the energy to.

Not only does Fibromyalgia cause me severe chronic pain but also chronic fatigue. This isn't just tiredness it's actually having no energy to do the simplest tasks. Some days I struggle so much to just get myself out of bed and make breakfast never mind go out and do things. After any amount of sleep I just wake up feeling not refreshed and like I could go back to sleep for another 10 hours. This is where I struggle to work as I lose concentration as I'm so tired, I have no energy at work and to do simple tasks. 

As well as both of these a new problem I have been having to deal with over the last two years has been feeling generally ill. You know when you are beginning to get a cold or a virus and you ache all over, you feel a little tingly but it's not a nice feeling, you have that annoying headache that's only just there and the horrible feeling in your throat that's not quite a sore throat. Well I feel like that every single day on top of my pain and fatigue which a lot of people don't realise or understand.

I have all my symptoms all day, everyday and there is never a time when they are not present. I have just become so used to putting on a brave face. When I am with my friends I am always laughing and joking like my normal or should I say old bubbly self. When I'm on a night out I try to fight through the anger and pain to dance with the girls and have a good time. When I'm in work I put on my telephone voice to hide the upset and fatigue I feel. As soon as I get home I let my shield down and I am miserable, I really don't know how my family put up with me but they are so understanding. They let me shout and snap at them and lock myself in my room, then they talk to me and hug me when I need comfort. I would not be able to cope without my supportive family and understanding friends. 

I wanted to write this blog as a relief for myself to just be able to just say how I'm feeling and what I've had to accomplish everyday so that I don't bottle things up. As well as for others who suffer with the same condition to know they are not the only ones out there. As Fibromyalgia is medically known to affect older people I have found it very hard to sympathise with other people with this condition as my doctor and his colleagues have never seen it in someone from the age of 13 which is why I was so hard to diagnose. So I am hoping there are others like me and we can confide in each other.