I am currently having an awful time physically and emotionally. I don't think I've ever felt so low in my entire life. So I'm hoping by writing about it, it will be like I'm accepting it so I can try and move forward.
I am currently experiencing the most pain I have ever felt from my Fibromyalgia since I've had the illness and it is so crippling and draining. I feel like I just want to curl up in bed and not move because the pain from doing the most simple tasks is frustrating me so much. I can't wash my hair, take a shower, make my breakfast, go up/down the stairs or drive my car without feeling severe aches and pains. As you can't see that I'm in pain because I don't have swelling or bruising, it's hard for people to understand how much pain I am in and it's so frustrating. As well as the pain I feel like I am absolutely drained and I don't have any energy at all. Even the thought of picking up a glass to drink out of is too much effort. I have even had to sit here for 20 minutes forcing myself to go on the computer to type this.
The thought of going to work is actually making me panic because I am really not coping. The thought of having to walk down the car park, walk up the flights of stairs, sit in my seat without moving for hours straight, having to constantly be happy and bubbly talking to customers when inside I just want to burst into tears and scream, the pressure of targets and selling and the constant abuse from the team leaders because your not doing as well as others makes me feel psychically sick. I have been suffering from panic attacks, depression, anxiety and mood swings just from the pressure of having to work in a job I hate as well as having to push myself psychically just do a four hour shift that sounds so easy to other people.
Even the people closest to me are guilty of not understanding and underestimating how bad my condition seems to be getting. I have no energy to do anything! I have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning and wash my face and brush my teeth. I have no motivation at all the put make up on, do my hair and put on nice clothes. As the effort of doing all that tires me out so much. I am currently spending every single day looking for a new job which just seems to make me worse as the only jobs that seem to be available is jobs I can't do due to my Fibromyalgia, which doesn't help with the depression side of things. Although I'm surrounded by amazing friends and family I have never felt so lonely. Nobody knows how to cheer me up or say the right thing. I am probably a nightmare to cope with at the moment.
All my friends are doing amazing things with their lives and the sky is literally the limit for some of them where as I feel like I have taken a million steps back and I'm watching them all start these amazing lives. I can't go to university, I can't work full time, I can't go travelling and I can't move out. Some friends are starting their education, others have finished and are working fully qualified and where am I? Stuck in a call centre doing a job I hate 16 hours a week earning hardly any money and spending the rest of my time in bed. If I do manage to do things with my friends it will leave me in bed for days recovering. All I think is what sort of a life is this? I envy every single one of my friends because I can't be a teacher or a nurse or a lifeguard or a university student or an engineer or an account executive or a police officer as the hours they have to work and the physical aspects of their jobs I just can't do.