Thursday, 26 January 2012

Being Paranoid...

Lately things have been really getting to me, so I need a big fat rant to let it all out. Don't even know where to begin, so I apologise if this post has no real structure. I also apologise as this post isn't probably going to interest anyone, it's just literally me getting things off my chest. So here goes...

The past couple of weeks my fatigue has been so bad that it's actually been making me angry because of how much I feel it's been holding me back. But some good news I have had my hours changed in work and no longer work Sundays, thank goodness! I have worked nearly every Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday for the past year so it's such a relief getting my Sunday lie ins back and I have already started to feel a difference in my tiredness levels. Which is really good and suppose the only positive thing.

The main thing that has been getting my back up is how paranoid I feel I get about friends and trying to keep them all happy. I know I over think things but I have always done that. Girls are notoriously bitchy and I don't think I've ever met a girl who hasn't bitched about another girl or their own friends for that matter. So I constantly want to please everyone as the thought of people bitching about me due to me not being able to do what they wanted literally makes my stomach go into knots. This normally leads me to pushing myself far too much than I should be as the simplest tasks can be so hard for me. This is why I try and spend as much time as I can with my boyfriend, he really gets me and would never get annoyed with me for not doing something because I don't feel well enough to.

For example, my friends could be planning a girlie night in or just a night in the local pub which in theory isn't much effort. You just get ready and go to their house or the pub and sit and chat but for me this isn't the case. If I am having a bad day then just getting out of bed and getting out of pyjamas can be a very hard struggle. I never really have the energy to do my hair or my make up never mind go out the house. So when I say no to coming it's not because I'm 'sacking' you off to go see my boyfriend or that I've got other plans or that I don't want to go. Its because I genuinely don't feel well enough to go. I know girls don't like it when their friends go to their boyfriends rather than seeing them but for me it's not like that. I would class going to my boyfriends as just staying in I don't see it as doing 'something' or going out. He is literally my rock and sometimes I have to see him just to be able to smile once for that day. I see him pretty much every single day, I don't have to put nice clothes on, do my make up or hair to see him. So friends if you are reading this, if I say I can't come or do something and you see me driving to my boyfriends or he's at my house please do not think I'm sacking you off for him. This is probably one of the main issues I worry about because I would hate the thought of people thinking that of me when it's purely because I don't feel well and I don't need to make any effort with him and that's why I love him.

Another issue is if I can do something one day it doesn't mean I can do it another day. For example, if I go out one night in the week with one group of friends that will tire me out for days. So please don't get annoyed with me if I say I can't go out or do something with other friends a few days later. Its not favouritism, it's because I genuinely can't. 

I really hope if any of my friends read this they think Sarah you idiot, what are you even talking about? Nobody thinks that you Paranoid Idiot! Or I hope it helps change their perspectives on things in the past that have happened or think oh I knew that was why anyway! I have the best friends ever and I do try my hardest to keep every single one of them happy as much as I can! But I am a big paranoid mess!

Lately I have been struggling to say the word 'No!'. This is where me trying to keep everyone happy comes into play again. The last couple of weeks I have been none stop busy trying to please everyone. Work has been very hard and busy lately, I have made in total over the last two week 500 bows and still going, I made and decorated a baby shower cake plus 48 cupcakes, I now have college which means making time to practice and to do my assignments as well as trying to fit time in to see friends so they don't think I've forgotten about them or not making an effort. This means I have had NO time what so ever to rest or have any me time (which I love!!). Just chilling and being on my own really lets me relax and rest as I don't have to make the effort to even talk to anyone. So I've been trying to fit this in before bed at night which means I haven't been going to bed until at least 12pm every night which results in me being even more tired. 

It's just one big circle! 
And if you didn't know Stress and lack of sleep makes Fibromyalgia symptoms so much worse and then we start the circle again!! :'(

If you have read this big fat rant and feel like you've wasted five minutes of your life, I apologise but I needed to do this to take away some of my stress! I also hope other Fibromyalgia sufferers can relate to this because it is something that is always at the back of my mind.

P.S. This post wasn't to have a go at anyone it was to say why I'm such a rubbish friend sometimes because I always think who'd want to be friend's with someone ill like me.

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

New Year... New Outlook

I have been awful at blogging, I just get that caught up in things I don't get chance to come and write how I'm feeling. 
From the title this post is going to be on my outlook on what 2012 is going to be like for me with Fibromyalgia and for the first time a rather positive post!

Christmas is always a tough time for me as the Christmas presents shopping is just a nightmare for me as I can't walk round the shops for hours to try and find the perfect presents. This year online shopping was my life saver, I did it all online and in advance which relieved a lot of the stress of Christmas.
However, the Christmas nights out and just the general doing more with friends and family was very hard for me. I have been struggling a lot the past few weeks with having no energy to do anything. Luckily I was able to have some time off work due to the bank holidays to be able to recover, but it will always put a downer on the festive period for me as I have to constantly battle with my Fibromyalgia to enjoy the things everyone else can do without the worry of it tiring them out too much or how much pain it will cause the next day.

Over the festive period I also had other problems such as suffering from a bad case of flu and had a very bad bladder infection that lasted a few weeks. But these are common in FM sufferers so I am used to having the urge to pee! (just trying to be completely honest!).

I have also been suffering very bad mood swings, which literally would flip at any point. I noticed they were also a lot more severe than usual. When packing for new years eve away I was hitting the door and shouting at my mum just because she asked me if I was fake tanning before I leave or when I get there? Crazy I know!

How my 2012 has started...

I celebrated entering the new year in Leeds with the other half, my brother and some very good friends which was nice to get away from home. But yet again all that was in the back of my mind was 'OUCH!'. I drove up which was a two hour drive so that straight away left me very achy and tired which for me is never a good start, but taking pain killers before going out is the norm for me. The walking, queuing, dancing and just partying was definitely all too much for me the next day as I was ridiculously tired and in agony but me being me, I hid it. I didn't complain or moan I just got on with it even though every step I took my legs would throb and feel like they were going to give up on me, I had to fight to keep my eyes open as I had no energy left in me. Everyone was complaining of hangovers but a Subway soon cured that for them where as I knew I'd be feeling these effects for days.

Over the past couple of months I have had a lot of reality checks when it comes to my future. I have always believed that I would train to be an accountant and that is the career I would do. Due to my Fibromyalgia I was unable to work full time as I was in too much pain and physically didn't have the energy. Also working in a stressful office dealing with customers has shown me this is not the environment I want to work in as stress increases the severity of my pain. 
After long hard chats with my parents we decided a change of career choice would be best for me which is a very scary prospect as I have been so sure I'd be an accountant. Something that doesn't involve too much of a physical aspect and can be done part time without the stress of working in an office. I have always had a passion for nails and experimenting with nail polish's and nail art. I do get a lot of comments on my nails, where did you get them done? what nail polish is that? etc. So I have enrolled on a nail technicians course and this is the career I am now going to have a go at. I feel at the moment nothing is certain for me as I don't know what's around the corner when living with such a unreliable chronic illness.

So please if anyone is a nail technician with Fibromyalgia or a similar condition any tips or advice would be very much appreciated!!

My new years resolution is to try to think more positive. With a chronic pain disorder its hard to think positive as everything takes much more effort than it would for a healthy person, so it is easy to slip back and think negative and expect bad things but for 2012 I am going to try to stop that.
I am thinking I have a new start with a new career ahead and hopefully this will reflect on my mood and my outlook on things which will help prevent my symptoms getting worse.

So best start now...
BRING ON 2012!!