Thursday, 26 January 2012

Being Paranoid...

Lately things have been really getting to me, so I need a big fat rant to let it all out. Don't even know where to begin, so I apologise if this post has no real structure. I also apologise as this post isn't probably going to interest anyone, it's just literally me getting things off my chest. So here goes...

The past couple of weeks my fatigue has been so bad that it's actually been making me angry because of how much I feel it's been holding me back. But some good news I have had my hours changed in work and no longer work Sundays, thank goodness! I have worked nearly every Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday for the past year so it's such a relief getting my Sunday lie ins back and I have already started to feel a difference in my tiredness levels. Which is really good and suppose the only positive thing.

The main thing that has been getting my back up is how paranoid I feel I get about friends and trying to keep them all happy. I know I over think things but I have always done that. Girls are notoriously bitchy and I don't think I've ever met a girl who hasn't bitched about another girl or their own friends for that matter. So I constantly want to please everyone as the thought of people bitching about me due to me not being able to do what they wanted literally makes my stomach go into knots. This normally leads me to pushing myself far too much than I should be as the simplest tasks can be so hard for me. This is why I try and spend as much time as I can with my boyfriend, he really gets me and would never get annoyed with me for not doing something because I don't feel well enough to.

For example, my friends could be planning a girlie night in or just a night in the local pub which in theory isn't much effort. You just get ready and go to their house or the pub and sit and chat but for me this isn't the case. If I am having a bad day then just getting out of bed and getting out of pyjamas can be a very hard struggle. I never really have the energy to do my hair or my make up never mind go out the house. So when I say no to coming it's not because I'm 'sacking' you off to go see my boyfriend or that I've got other plans or that I don't want to go. Its because I genuinely don't feel well enough to go. I know girls don't like it when their friends go to their boyfriends rather than seeing them but for me it's not like that. I would class going to my boyfriends as just staying in I don't see it as doing 'something' or going out. He is literally my rock and sometimes I have to see him just to be able to smile once for that day. I see him pretty much every single day, I don't have to put nice clothes on, do my make up or hair to see him. So friends if you are reading this, if I say I can't come or do something and you see me driving to my boyfriends or he's at my house please do not think I'm sacking you off for him. This is probably one of the main issues I worry about because I would hate the thought of people thinking that of me when it's purely because I don't feel well and I don't need to make any effort with him and that's why I love him.

Another issue is if I can do something one day it doesn't mean I can do it another day. For example, if I go out one night in the week with one group of friends that will tire me out for days. So please don't get annoyed with me if I say I can't go out or do something with other friends a few days later. Its not favouritism, it's because I genuinely can't. 

I really hope if any of my friends read this they think Sarah you idiot, what are you even talking about? Nobody thinks that you Paranoid Idiot! Or I hope it helps change their perspectives on things in the past that have happened or think oh I knew that was why anyway! I have the best friends ever and I do try my hardest to keep every single one of them happy as much as I can! But I am a big paranoid mess!

Lately I have been struggling to say the word 'No!'. This is where me trying to keep everyone happy comes into play again. The last couple of weeks I have been none stop busy trying to please everyone. Work has been very hard and busy lately, I have made in total over the last two week 500 bows and still going, I made and decorated a baby shower cake plus 48 cupcakes, I now have college which means making time to practice and to do my assignments as well as trying to fit time in to see friends so they don't think I've forgotten about them or not making an effort. This means I have had NO time what so ever to rest or have any me time (which I love!!). Just chilling and being on my own really lets me relax and rest as I don't have to make the effort to even talk to anyone. So I've been trying to fit this in before bed at night which means I haven't been going to bed until at least 12pm every night which results in me being even more tired. 

It's just one big circle! 
And if you didn't know Stress and lack of sleep makes Fibromyalgia symptoms so much worse and then we start the circle again!! :'(

If you have read this big fat rant and feel like you've wasted five minutes of your life, I apologise but I needed to do this to take away some of my stress! I also hope other Fibromyalgia sufferers can relate to this because it is something that is always at the back of my mind.

P.S. This post wasn't to have a go at anyone it was to say why I'm such a rubbish friend sometimes because I always think who'd want to be friend's with someone ill like me.

No comments:

Post a Comment